Perplexa, the cure for something or other…

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Going back to 2004 or so, here is a mock-pharmaceutical ad I did for Bully magazine (R.I.P.). It was at the height of that craze when pharmaceutical companies were rolling out very expensive drugs (that often were proven to be no more effective than placebos) to treat many non-life-threatening ailments. I had a request from someone to repost this, so I figured why not. Admittedly, the animation is not stellar. I had just started playing around with a program called Poser to render the woman. But looking at it for the first time in a long while, some of possible side effects still make me laugh. So why not. Click on the image to play the flash animation.

perplexa thumbnail

A book review from prison? What a novel idea.

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Recently, old friend John Hood sent me a link to this book review in a recent issue of Esquire. The review was for David Lozell Martin’s Losing Everything and was written by a guy who calls himself St. James Harris Wood. According to Esquire, Wood is currently serving time in a California coastal penal colony.

Convict book reviewer. Brilliant idea! Except, wait a minute, I’ve heard this idea somewhere before. Where?

Oh yeah, John Hood came up with it. Way back in 2003 and 2004, I published book reviews by John Hood in Bully Magazine. Hood was doing a short stint in a Pennsylvania lock up and, having already written for Bully, proposed the idea to me as an ongoing column titled “Book ‘Em.” The column was a big hit — not only with readers but with publishing industry reps who loved the concept of a convict book reviewer.

To give credit where credit is due, you can still read Hood’s “Book ‘Em” pieces here. Or if you want to go ol’ school, check out the original articles in Bully using the Way Back Machine. Or better yet, keep up with John’s current reviews in the Miami Sun Post. Check them out here.

Pick up some Opium

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My quest for global domination continues this month with the release of Opium 6: Go Green! (But Save Me First). The sixth installment of Opium, a damn fine literary humor magazine, will feature a new piece by yours truly titled “The.” It is an obituary for Amélie Prouveaux, an avant-garde writer who decided that words were the enemy of literature. This the first Bully-esque thing I’ve written since shutting down my own magazine and it was nice to flex the humor muscles a bit. You can either hound your favorite bookshop to get your hands on Opium 6 or you can order it here.

(and now cue the Sarah McLachlan sad-sack, save-the-animals music)

But whatever you do, go out an pick up an issue. Or even better, buy a subscription. As this open letter from editor Todd Zuniga details, while Opium is now on issue six, they’re trying to keep the magazine on sound financial footing. The graveyard of literary magazines has been filling up rather quickly over the past few years and it would be shame if Opium went the way of Story, Small Spiral Notebook, and others. Keeping a non-academic literary magazine afloat is like juggling elephants on a life raft, only at least with the juggling-elephants-life-raft thing, you can assure yourself that you are saving elephants. The point is running a litmag is a thankless job.

I discovered Opium the old-fashioned way: I walked into the St. Mark’s Bookshop and was caught by the eye-catching cover design. After flipping through a few of the articles and laughing out loud in the bookstore, I was more than happy to pluck down my $10. The whole approach is inventive, the pieces are extremely well crafted, and the humor is whip-smart. How often do you actually get to laugh with a literary magazine (as opposed to at it)? So do what you can — buy an issue, buy a subscription, or send cans of food or warm blankets to the editors.

If you do, we’ll be able to film a television commercial where I cradle a sad-looking Todd Zuniga and say, “Every day, more and more literary magazines are dying. These magazines are looking for someone like… YOU. Won’t you please give.”

The Strange and Savage Tale of John Hood

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A few weeks back the announcement came in a letter:

This just in: I’m getting sprung. I don’t yet know when (they say 2-3 weeks), I don’t know where (they’ve requested Scranton) but at last it shall be done. I’m getting sprung.

John Hood was finally being set free.

It immediately brought me back to a phone call I had with him back in the Spring of 2001:

“Hey Hood what’s happening.”

“Hey…um…I’m going away for a bit.”

“Oh yeah. Going on vacation? Where you headed?”

A long pause then he mumbles…

“Bank job.”

“What?!!!”

A little louder “Bank job.”

“Oh you fucking moron.”

“Look I can’t really talk about it. But I’ve talked to my lawyer and I’m gonna turn myself in tomorrow.” Continue reading

What the hell happened to Bully?

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If you stumbled onto to here looking for Bully Magazine you are probably wondering what this is all about.

Gently put…it was time to put Bully to bed. After six long years of taking the piss out of everything, I figured it was better to go out strong rather than keep churning out the sausage as they say.

I will be posting some of the old articles here from time to time for nostalgia’s sake, so keep checking back.

In the meantime, you can still get your hands on the Bully t-shirts and Rebirth of the Heavy Volumes One and Two.

For starters, here is the infamous “Rewriting Dr. Seuss Piece.”

Word,

Biff Satan

Bully Classic: Re-writing Dr. Seuss

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Editor’s Comment: This letter was originally published in the Bully 1st Anniversary Issue (August 1999). It was in response to the publication of “Ahab’s Wife or the Stargazer” by one Sena Jeter Naslund. Considering the recent furor over “The Wind Done Gone,” a rewriting of Gone With The Wind from a slave’s point of view, and “Snowball’s Chance”, a rewriting of George Orwell’s “Animal Farm” where the pigs have become wealthy capitalists, we felt this assault on sub-par writers merely rewriting another author’s work still holds true . While we admire their need to point out social ills, these efforts seem more laughable than worthwhile. After all, as this letter shows, any idiot can do it.

August 31, 1999

Sharyn Rosenblum
William Morrow and Company, Publishers
1350 Avenue of the Americas
NY, NY 10019

Dear Sharon,

A friend of mine recently showed me the press kit for “Ahab’s Wife or The Stargazer” by Sena Jeter Naslund. At first I thought it was just a catchy title, but then I realized you were actually publishing a book about Captain Ahab’s wife, based off Melville’s Moby Dick. After reading the first chapter I found it kind of an odd book, especially when Naslund started describing Mrs. Ahab and the Captain lying in bliss. Hard to picture a crazed, obsessed lunatic with a peg leg lying in bliss you know? But hey if you’re willing to pay half-a-million dollars for that, have I got a whale (no pun intended) of a book idea for you. Continue reading