Editor’s Comment: This letter was originally published in the Bully 1st Anniversary Issue (August 1999). It was in response to the publication of “Ahab’s Wife or the Stargazer” by one Sena Jeter Naslund. Considering the recent furor over “The Wind Done Gone,” a rewriting of Gone With The Wind from a slave’s point of view, and “Snowball’s Chance”, a rewriting of George Orwell’s “Animal Farm” where the pigs have become wealthy capitalists, we felt this assault on sub-par writers merely rewriting another author’s work still holds true . While we admire their need to point out social ills, these efforts seem more laughable than worthwhile. After all, as this letter shows, any idiot can do it.

August 31, 1999

Sharyn Rosenblum
William Morrow and Company, Publishers
1350 Avenue of the Americas
NY, NY 10019

Dear Sharon,

A friend of mine recently showed me the press kit for “Ahab’s Wife or The Stargazer” by Sena Jeter Naslund. At first I thought it was just a catchy title, but then I realized you were actually publishing a book about Captain Ahab’s wife, based off Melville’s Moby Dick. After reading the first chapter I found it kind of an odd book, especially when Naslund started describing Mrs. Ahab and the Captain lying in bliss. Hard to picture a crazed, obsessed lunatic with a peg leg lying in bliss you know? But hey if you’re willing to pay half-a-million dollars for that, have I got a whale (no pun intended) of a book idea for you.

Okay, check this out…everybody in the world has read Dr. Seuss’ “Green Eggs and Ham” right? But has anyone ever really taken a look at this fable from the Green Eggs and Ham’s point of view? Think about it, a completely new take on a classic, attacking the oppression and suffering that the eggs and ham felt as they tried to break free and rediscover their lost freedom.

I’ve written a quick MS which I’ve included below and would really like to discuss it further with you. I’m sure after reading it you’ll want to get in touch with me, so you can e-mail me at deniro@nls.net. If I don’t hear from you, I’ll just start calling you at home.

Here’s to good literature,

Ken Wohlrob

Victims of Sam-I-Am
Or the Sunny Side of Up
By Ken Wohlrob

I was not the first victim of Sam-I-Am
Nor the last to die by Sam-I-Am
I say there were others
Like arugula, asparagus, and canned Spam

We were in bliss
Me and the ham
Until that slave-trader
Sam-I-Am

“Would you like to be with garnish?”
Would you like to be in a dish?”
You vicious butcher
Just don’t serve us, was our wish

We don’t want to be served with garnish
We don’t want to be served in a dish
Don’t kill Green Eggs and Ham
Leave us the fuck alone Sam-I-Am

“Can I serve you to Italians”
“Can I serve you to Arabians”

Not to Italians
Not to Arabians
We don’t want to be served with garnish
We don’t want to be served in a dish
Don’t kill Green Eggs and Ham
Leave us the fuck alone Sam-I-Am

But off he took us to other lands
Torturing every woman, child, dog and man
“Do you like Green Eggs and Ham?”
“Fuck you” they’d say to Sam-I-Am

We had to go in a box
We got pissed on by the fox
We all got sued for harassment
By Sharon Stone and Courtney Cox

Would you? Could You?
Just let us go?
But Sam-I-Am the lunatic
Just kept saying “NO, NO, NO!”

They would not
Could not
Eat us if they tried
We were now covered
With mold, maggots
And tons of flies

And still Sam-I-Am
That Sam-I-Am
Annoyed folks
From here to thee
And yet they still screamed
“Not in a car, a house, or a muthafuckin’ tree”

“We do not like them in a bar
We do not like them in Madagascar
We do not like them after car wrecks
We do not like them after sex
We do not like them before class
We do not like them jammed up our ass
We do not like Green Eggs and Ham
So fuck-off and die, Sam-I-Am”

On and on
He carried us on
Sam-I-Am carted us
From Maine to Washington

Where was Amnesty International?
Throwing another concert for Brazil
Where was Jesse Jackson?
He wasn’t getting in on this action

No Sting with political songs
No Louis Farrakhan yelling about wrongs
No Students staging violent protests
No angry senators creating political unrest
No green ribbons pinned on celebrities
No public service ads on America’s TVs
No op-ed pieces in the New York Times
No FBI chasing Sam-I-Am for his crimes
No moments of silence at baseball games
No candles burning with symbolic flames
Who would stand up for Green Eggs and Ham?
Will no one stop Sam-I-Am?

But before we could escape this man
This homicidal maniac Sam-I-Am
He found a sucka who knuckled under
And tasted the Green eggs and ham

He liked us he said
“I like Green Eggs and ham!”
“I do, I like them, Sam-I-Am!”
“I would eat them in a boat.
I would eat them with a goat…”

“And I will eat them in the rain
I will eat them with Tawny Katain
And in the car and with Tommy Lee
They are so good, so good, you see!”

And the sick bastard carried us away
As Sam-I-Am grinned in an evil way
Off to our deaths he took as along
Off to our deaths while he whistled a Madonna song

So when you order Green Eggs and Ham
Remember our story mighty White Man
The victims of years of oppression sit on your plate
Why do Green Eggs and Ham feel your hate?